Feeling Foolish

Oh shit. Not a good day.

I drop son #3 at tennis, sign him in and tell him I am going to be late to pick him up so to sit on the green chairs in reception and wait for me there. I then drive to collect son #2 from school where he arrives from a school trip just 5 minutes before his tennis lesson is due to start. We dash back, dropping off another boy at home en route. Son #2 is 20 minutes late for his lesson. I tell him to change and run. There is no sign of son #3.

I park and walk around the tennis centre, speak to his coach who hasn't seen him since the lesson ended. I speak to some waiting mothers, no sign. Then I approach the receptionist whose desk overlooks the green chairs by the doors. "Yes I did see him," she explains. "He was swinging on the wires outside, so I told him not to." I go and look out the front and then return. "He's nowhere to be seen," I say. "Do you have CCTV?" I get the impression she thinks I'm a bit of a nuisance and she actually deals with an enquiry from another man at the desk while supposedly scanning the video for evidence of my missing six year old.

"Ah, here he is!" I go around to her side of the desk and watch him on film standing by the entrance gates of the tennis centre. He is watching the cars go through the big iron gates Then he tires of watching and without so much as a backwards glance he pulls open the pedestrian gate and walks out of the picture. "Oh my god!" I cry and run to my car. Sensing the urgency another member of staff follows me and jumps into my car beside me. We scan the pavements and I explain that son #3 has actually done this before. I know that he knows his way home, despite this being London, home being a mile and a half away over busy roads and despite his tender age. Last time I called the police and he was missing for an hour and a half before he showed up at home. The man in the passenger seat whom I don't know from Adam clearly thinks I lose my children all the time. As we drive the housekeeper calls to tell me son #3 has arrived home on foot. I turn back to collect son #2 and we head home for supper.

I do homework with son #3 and my little girl. In stead of getting on with their homework sons 1 & 2 start messing around and I get cross. Really cross. It is late. I am tired. I have had quite a bad afternoon and I don't fancy a long night of homework. When I insist that son #1 come and sit down in the kitchen he starts being arsey, rude and obstinate. I lose my temper and make futile threats which he knows I won't follow through. Then I tell him that until he changes his attitude there is no point in attempting the homework and to go and do his music practice in stead. After much arguing he plays for about 7 minutes. Then nothing. I go and look for him, but he is nowhere to be seen. When I go upstairs to ask son #2 who is now getting ready for bed he says he heard the front door open and shut.

Son #1 has run away before. That time I was cross too. I said some stupid things then as well. Last time we called the police but they didn't find him and he came home cold and hungry 2 hours later. Now it's dark. I stand watch by an upstairs window. I know I have to go out and look for him. This is my problem and I have to try and put things right. It is cold and windy. I have no torch and crossing the common outside our house is scarey enough. I walk the streets for 40 minutes before I go back. I am almost in tears. Should I call the police? My husband is out at a business dinner. He will not be impressed when I tell him I've lost son #1. As I near our house someone small and slight is waiting outside. My heart leaps. But it is our Philippina housekeeper. She tells me son #1 is in bed and snoring. He never left the house. He has outwitted me and his homework remains undone.